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Haitian Jokes

I'll Have The Buffet Man

Four gay guys walk into a bar and start arguing over who's penis is longer.

Well the bar tender finally got sick of hearing them arguing so told them he had a way to solve this problem.

He told them to stick their penis' on the bar and he'd tell them who's was bigger.

Well just as the put them up there, another gay guy walks in and yells "I'll have the buffet! "

TRUE Mother Inlaw By King Solomon

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall chop the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood.

Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment.

"The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to chop him in two! " exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon.

"That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

Having Troubles With Your Wife

A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly, obviously feeling down in the dumps.

The bartender asked, "What's the matter?

Having troubles with your wife?" The man replied, "We had a fight, and she told me she wasn't going to speak to me for a month." The bartender asked, "Don't take this the wrong way, but shouldn't that make you happy?" The man replied, "Not if the month is up today! "

Bouki And Ti Malice

One day Ti Malice went over to Bouki's house.

When he arrived at the lakou (farm yard), was was shocked at what he saw, and watched for some time. Bouki was playing diminoes with his dog! Ti Malice say, Bouki, what a brilliant dog you have! He can play diminoes.

I don't know, said Bouki, he's not so smart.

I beat him 3 out of 5 games already!

Stolen Watch Confession

The priest arrived in the village and went to the church to hear confessions.

As was his custom he left his watch on one of the pews. After a little while a young man came in to confess his sins.

Father, forgive me, I have stolen a watch.

Well, young man, said the priest, don't just say you are sorry, but give the watch back to the owner.

Oh, said the sinner, let me give you the watch, Father.

No, said the priest.

Don't give it to me. Give it to the owner.

But, Father, I've offered it to the owner and he doesn't want to take it back, said the young man.

Well, in that case, I've give you absolution for the stealing, but you can keep the watch.

The priest gave the young man forgiveness.

Later, however, when the priest left the church he was surprised to discover that his watch had been stolen.

A Man Moved From PortauPrince

A man moved from Port-au-Prince to Okay (Les Cayes).

He wasn't too sure about living there.

But, he met a fellow in a bar and inquired about life in Okay. Oh my, it's a great place, said the man. When I came here I couldn't utter a single word. I had no hair, no job, no food. They gave me a bed and food and helped me out. Now, as you see, I am strong and well, and I have a good job. The Port-au-Prince man was quite impressed.

That's fantastic.

When did you come here?

Oh, replied the man from Okay, I was born here.

Cigarette Is Bad For You

There was a man about to be killed by his political enemies.

They asked him if he wanted a cigarette before they killed him. No, the unfortunate man replied, I gave up smoking.

It's bad for your health!

You Know That You're Haïtian

You point at things and people with your lips.

You nod your head upwards to greet someone when you're too busy too talk.

You hear "pssssssssst" and know that someone is trying to get your attention.

Gryot ak Banan Peze is your favorite meal.

You dip bread in your coffee, hot chocolate, and even certain kinds of liquor (Kremas).

You have either Jean or Marie placed somewhere in your

name...

You twuipé (suck your teeth) when you're fed up.

When you really get mad at someone you want to take off your shoe and slap them with it.

The most feeble old woman can strike fear into your heart with just one look.

The US is made up of only three cities: Miami, New York, Boston.

You know where the nearest Hatrexco and Bobby Express are.

You go to work as though you were dressed for Church

You go to Church dressed for a wedding

You go to a wedding dressed to meet Queen Elizabeth.

You ate rice within the past 3 days...

Your living room couches are covered with plastic.

You buy your cereal at Farmer's Market and you buy your fruits at Basket Market.

You keep a "bokit" (kaptèn anba kaban) under your bed

just in case. Prekosyon pa kapon.

Once the temperature gets below a certain level, you lose all concept of color coordination when it comes to things like snow boots, winter coats, scarves, and hats, often doing things like wearing two different color hats at the same time.

You have a bottle of Ombre Rose sitting on your dresser

for those special occasions but you just don't feel fresh

until you've drenched yourself in "Bien Etre".

Your furniture is too big for your house.

You're house is so packed with meubles and biblos that

you can't even take two steps

no one is allowed in the living room because it is reserved for company.

Yawning indicates hunger not fatigue.

All soda is called cola but nothing is better than Jus

Rouge

Maggi, Matouk's, Tabasco, & Tomato Paste are cooking

essentials.

If someone says that the party starts at 6 PM, then you

know not to show up until 10 PM because it's impolite.

Good Haitian Jokes

Dans un avion américain, le commandant de bord dit aux passagers :

C'est votre commandant qui vous parle.

Nous perdons

de l'altitude et nous n'avons pas assez de carburant pour atteindre notre destination.Donc, nous allons larguer hors de l'avion tous les bagages.

L'avion regagne de l'altitude.

Une demi-heure plus tard, l'avion reperd de l'altitude et la voix du commandant se fait encore une fois

entendre dans les hauts parleurs:

C'est votre commandant qui vous parle.

Nous perdons

encore de l'altitude et nous ne pourrons pas atteindre notre destination sans jeter quelques passagers hors de l'avion.

C'est une mauvaise solution, mais nous allons le faire d'une

manière honnête et démocratique.

Nous allons utiliser l'alphabet.

Commençons par la

lettre A.

- Y a-t-il des Africains?

Personne ne répondit

- Y a-t-il des Blacks ?

Toujours pas de réponse.

- Y a-t-il des gens de Couleur?

Toujours pas de réponse.

Mais, à l'arrière de l'avion, un petit garçon demande à son père :

- Papa, tu m'as toujours dit qu'il fallait être

honnête.

Nous sommes d'Afrique, nous sommes Black et

donc des gens de Couleur.

- Oui, mon fils. C'est vrai. Mais aujourd'hui nous

sommes des Nègres et s'il le faut nous serons des Zoulous...

Yall Got Jokes?

the one joke that i COULD UNDERSTAND was good! put some more guys translated to english pleeeaaasssseee thanx sexy!

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